2008 Woodie Awards
Future of ASUPS quite probably ruinous
Chuck Taylor and Al L. Stars
Issue date: 2/16/07 Section: Combat Zone
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God help us. It's ASUPS Elections Season and, once again, the school will be torn asunder by bitter rivalries. This year's candidates are split between proud members of the traditional Fraternal-order-of-beer-bongs-and-ill-advised-sexual-congress and the rest of the school.
Opposing Brett Veerhusen and Mark Rosasco are Hart Edmonson and Matt Bonniwell, whose main qualifications include rowing a large phallic symbol backwards and working at OIS keeping things like webmail running smoothly. That's always gone well.
The Combat Zone would like to offer an in depth analysis of the possible regimes of these two tickets. We firmly believe in the dissemination of information and public discussion regarding the public's follies year after year. (Alex Israel and Ryan McAninch: who thought that was a good idea? And look at all Van Pham and Chelsea Howes have given us; We've got … uh … well. Yeah.)
Under the Beerhusen/ Rosasasasaco administration, we predict the following:
• Sigma Chi's traditional party, Beach, will be thrown in the ASUPS office, funded by the ASUPS slush fund. (Finally our 200 dollars are going to something we care about: beer and liquor.)
• Funding will be cut from Student Theatre Productions to buy a sweet pool table for the Business Leadership Program.
•Hooters station to be opened in SUB. (It'll make objectifying women that much more convenient.)
• Grizz will be replaced with 'Sustainable Jim', the Coors Crocodile. (He encourages you to recycle your beer cans rather than simply vomiting over the empty pile.)
• The candidates will force KUPS to play "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" by Jay-Z sixteen hours a day. (Our shoulders are already rubbed to the bone.)
• Praxis Imago will become a wholly-owned subsidiary of "Girls Gone Wild." (That'll put our name on the map!)
• RDG will be declared Division I sport. (Despite originating the "sport," no talent hacks ruin our chances of success.)
• A new and amazing NJROTC program based out of Regester will be established for all those students who just aren't getting it. (I'll bet you'll take those Academic Probation warnings a little more seriously now, won't you?)
Opposing Brett Veerhusen and Mark Rosasco are Hart Edmonson and Matt Bonniwell, whose main qualifications include rowing a large phallic symbol backwards and working at OIS keeping things like webmail running smoothly. That's always gone well.
The Combat Zone would like to offer an in depth analysis of the possible regimes of these two tickets. We firmly believe in the dissemination of information and public discussion regarding the public's follies year after year. (Alex Israel and Ryan McAninch: who thought that was a good idea? And look at all Van Pham and Chelsea Howes have given us; We've got … uh … well. Yeah.)
Under the Beerhusen/ Rosasasasaco administration, we predict the following:
• Sigma Chi's traditional party, Beach, will be thrown in the ASUPS office, funded by the ASUPS slush fund. (Finally our 200 dollars are going to something we care about: beer and liquor.)
• Funding will be cut from Student Theatre Productions to buy a sweet pool table for the Business Leadership Program.
•Hooters station to be opened in SUB. (It'll make objectifying women that much more convenient.)
• Grizz will be replaced with 'Sustainable Jim', the Coors Crocodile. (He encourages you to recycle your beer cans rather than simply vomiting over the empty pile.)
• The candidates will force KUPS to play "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" by Jay-Z sixteen hours a day. (Our shoulders are already rubbed to the bone.)
• Praxis Imago will become a wholly-owned subsidiary of "Girls Gone Wild." (That'll put our name on the map!)
• RDG will be declared Division I sport. (Despite originating the "sport," no talent hacks ruin our chances of success.)
• A new and amazing NJROTC program based out of Regester will be established for all those students who just aren't getting it. (I'll bet you'll take those Academic Probation warnings a little more seriously now, won't you?)
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