2008 Woodie Awards
Tuition goes toward God knows what
Queen Frostine
Issue date: 2/16/07 Section: Combat Zone
The University of Puget Sound's Budget Task Force has completed its assessment of the University's goals for the 2007 / 2008 academic year and released its recommendations. Among these is a 58.8 percent overall increase in student costs, including tuition and fees as well as room and board. According to Badger Swanson, chief of the ASUPS Senate's expenditures committee, students should refrain from "getting their panties in a twist," and realize that their parents' hard-earned dollars will be used to fund "really cool and necessary shit." Among the developments students can expect to see:
Another modestly sized plasma-screen TV for the wall on the other side of the Info-Center. This one will be 15 percent larger than the one above the entrance to the Servery
An exciting new sustainability project in which a large portion of the tuition checks will be redeemed for one hundred dollar bills. The bills will then be recycled and made into SUB dishes.
Facilities golf carts will be replaced with Mini Coopers.
New ASUPS approved student clubs including political / social organizations BSAD (Bigoted Students Against Diversity), Young Fascists, and Persecution International, as well as religious groups such as UCrank, and Bokononist Union.
The Stewart Lecture Series, featuring talks by Jon Stewart, Martha Stewart, Patrick Stewart, French Stewart, Stewart Townsend, Rod Stewart, Dave Stewart (Eurhythmics), Sylvester, Rose, Fred, and Vaetta Stewart (AKA Sly and the Family Stone), and Jimmy Stewart, trusted friend of the Combat Zone.
Additional staff for the Oppenheimer Café that it may stay open for 45 minutes each day instead of the current 25.
The University of Puget Sound's purchase of the actual Puget Sound.
Completion of payments for the most recent fortifications added to Regester.
Tasers for security personnel.
UPS hosting of the 782 annual Tri-Wizard Tournament next Spring, as well as the 2008 Summer Olympics.
Additional employees to operate the Fitness Center, Info Center, and Library Circulation Desk while work-study students are busy with homework and Facebook stalking.
A herd of temperamental free-range grass-lobsters to populate Todd Field and the Arboretum.
An endowed trust fund to further enable Grizz's gambling addiction and, when he's ready, get him the help he so desperately needs.
Support for Pat Robertson's 2008 presidential campaign.
2/3 of the tables in the Rotunda replaced with trampolines.
A team of mediators to locate the missing fro-yo machine, establish a dialogue with it, and convince it to come home.
• Queen Frostine enjoys wrecking forces in general. And people's hearts. She really likes doing that. A great deal of the money is actually going towards some spiked heels and a dominatrix outfit (not that she doesn't have them already, she just needs new ones) so that she can continue breaking those hearts. Mmm, blood.
Another modestly sized plasma-screen TV for the wall on the other side of the Info-Center. This one will be 15 percent larger than the one above the entrance to the Servery
An exciting new sustainability project in which a large portion of the tuition checks will be redeemed for one hundred dollar bills. The bills will then be recycled and made into SUB dishes.
Facilities golf carts will be replaced with Mini Coopers.
New ASUPS approved student clubs including political / social organizations BSAD (Bigoted Students Against Diversity), Young Fascists, and Persecution International, as well as religious groups such as UCrank, and Bokononist Union.
The Stewart Lecture Series, featuring talks by Jon Stewart, Martha Stewart, Patrick Stewart, French Stewart, Stewart Townsend, Rod Stewart, Dave Stewart (Eurhythmics), Sylvester, Rose, Fred, and Vaetta Stewart (AKA Sly and the Family Stone), and Jimmy Stewart, trusted friend of the Combat Zone.
Additional staff for the Oppenheimer Café that it may stay open for 45 minutes each day instead of the current 25.
The University of Puget Sound's purchase of the actual Puget Sound.
Completion of payments for the most recent fortifications added to Regester.
Tasers for security personnel.
UPS hosting of the 782 annual Tri-Wizard Tournament next Spring, as well as the 2008 Summer Olympics.
Additional employees to operate the Fitness Center, Info Center, and Library Circulation Desk while work-study students are busy with homework and Facebook stalking.
A herd of temperamental free-range grass-lobsters to populate Todd Field and the Arboretum.
An endowed trust fund to further enable Grizz's gambling addiction and, when he's ready, get him the help he so desperately needs.
Support for Pat Robertson's 2008 presidential campaign.
2/3 of the tables in the Rotunda replaced with trampolines.
A team of mediators to locate the missing fro-yo machine, establish a dialogue with it, and convince it to come home.
• Queen Frostine enjoys wrecking forces in general. And people's hearts. She really likes doing that. A great deal of the money is actually going towards some spiked heels and a dominatrix outfit (not that she doesn't have them already, she just needs new ones) so that she can continue breaking those hearts. Mmm, blood.
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