2008 Woodie Awards
Praying Harry Potter Dies
Russell Howe
Issue date: 2/16/07 Section: Opinion
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Finally, the agony for millions around the world will soon be over. The waiting that has plagued countless souls, kept kids awake at night and tortured hundreds to death (keeping kids up at night might be hyperbole, but the rest is absolutely true) will soon end on July 21 of this year. The last Harry Potter book will finally be published.
J.K. Rowling, the English author of the now famous series of books about a plucky boy-wizard and his wondrous, and sometimes not-so-wondrous, adventures, finished writing her latest manuscript in a hotel room one month ago, at which point we can assume a beam of light shone down and a choir sang Hallelujah in the background. And now that the book has a publication date, it has become the best selling book on both Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com, a full five months before the book's actual appearance. The very promise of Harry Potter is more exciting than anything now in print.
With all of the hoopla that is sure to follow in the months leading up to the final battle between Voldemort and Potter, (I'm sure we can all imagine the armies of kids wearing wizard hats and holding brooms that will march on Wal-Marts and Targets across the world as the release date looms) I thought this would be the perfect time to get something off my chest, something that has been building up inside me for a couple years now, and only gets stronger the closer we get to the last Potter book.
I hope Harry Potter dies. Not only that, I hope he is the first person to die. I hope he dies early, perhaps even in the first sentence, and the rest of the book is about how everyone else, who are just as capable if not more than Potter, fight and beat Voldemort. In fact, in the deepest pits of my heart, I hope that all of Harry's friends suddenly turn on him and rip him limb from limb just to get him to stop talking.
Only this will fully satisfy me. I know the odds of this actually happening are very small, so I am girding myself for disappointment, no matter if the story is the most brilliant example of the English language ever written.
J.K. Rowling, the English author of the now famous series of books about a plucky boy-wizard and his wondrous, and sometimes not-so-wondrous, adventures, finished writing her latest manuscript in a hotel room one month ago, at which point we can assume a beam of light shone down and a choir sang Hallelujah in the background. And now that the book has a publication date, it has become the best selling book on both Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com, a full five months before the book's actual appearance. The very promise of Harry Potter is more exciting than anything now in print.
With all of the hoopla that is sure to follow in the months leading up to the final battle between Voldemort and Potter, (I'm sure we can all imagine the armies of kids wearing wizard hats and holding brooms that will march on Wal-Marts and Targets across the world as the release date looms) I thought this would be the perfect time to get something off my chest, something that has been building up inside me for a couple years now, and only gets stronger the closer we get to the last Potter book.
I hope Harry Potter dies. Not only that, I hope he is the first person to die. I hope he dies early, perhaps even in the first sentence, and the rest of the book is about how everyone else, who are just as capable if not more than Potter, fight and beat Voldemort. In fact, in the deepest pits of my heart, I hope that all of Harry's friends suddenly turn on him and rip him limb from limb just to get him to stop talking.
Only this will fully satisfy me. I know the odds of this actually happening are very small, so I am girding myself for disappointment, no matter if the story is the most brilliant example of the English language ever written.
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