The Trail

Issue date: 3/2/07 Section: Combat Zone

See this man? He is the epitome of the tequila drinker. Don't be him.

Astrology: a pastime for those so unsure of their own future that they believe the ramblings of Crystal, the amazing white trash mystic. Surely the fact that I was born on the 22 of May impacts not only my career opportunities, but also exciting romantic possibilities and the potential for financial rewards. So for those of us who are not mentally deficient, suffering from lead poisoning or just born in the state of Alabama, the Combat Zone has decided to offer you an analysis of your personality and fortune based on what you choose to drink. This divination is totally infallible, and if you disagree with what is said here it simply means you are avoiding your true nature.

• Beer from a Keg: Chances are you have some Greek letters on your shirt. You like yelling "whoo-ho," "spriiiiiiiing break," or "show us your titties." You are also a business major, or an economics major. The important part is that you like money and shiny things (especially if they are twenty-two inches tall and go on a Cadillac Escalade).

• Tequila: You lack judgment … and you may own a novelty sombrero.

• Vodka: You don't really care about taste. In fact, it doesn't matter if it tastes like varnish or nothing at all. What does matter to you is getting drunk. You need to be drunk quickly, as you lack the confidence to interact with people sober. You are also a freshman.

• Scotch: You are pretentious, very, very pretentious (I simply cannot stress that enough). Your palette is far more sophisticated than the cretins around you; after all, you know what a palette is. You have a secret desire to own a monocle. You may be a history major or recently returned from studying abroad in Great Britain. In short: you are a bastard.

• Rose Wine: You like ice cream, "Sex and the City" and gossip. You do not know the difference between Chardonnay and Pinot Grigio. All you know is that your bottle of Sutter-Home is "just wonderful. Oh my god, it's so easy to drink." Two words that sum you up: vapid idiot.

• Pabst Blue Ribbon: You are a hipster son-of-a-bitch. You are as arrogant as the scotch drinker; for you, however, alcohol is a fashion statement. That can of PBR goes with your argyle sweater and converse.

• Blackberry Brandy: You smoke too much pot, way too much pot. You may have made this booze on your radiator. You like being mellow and relaxing or making inane comments about philosophy. You spend time in the arboretum, or you may be a hobo.

• Martini: There are three categories here. If you drink gin martinis you are a future alcoholic, just like your hero Frank Sinatra. If you like vodka martinis, it is because they are the only drink you know how to order, just like your hero James Bond. If you like sweet, designer martinis it's because you want to be a drunken tramp just like your hero Sarah Jessica Parker.

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