The Trail

Issue date: 3/2/07 Section: Combat Zone

The interior of a typical on-campus house. Charming, no?

The annual Housing Lottery will take place this Sunday from 1 to 7 p.m. Although students are encouraged by the Student Development office to consider all residence options, it's no secret that "winning the lottery" means procuring a space in an on-campus house. The Combat Zone wishes each and every reader the best of luck in this endeavor and optimistically provides this helpful guide to the various species of housemate indigenous to the UPS campus. (Stereotypes and categories are, after all, the best way to select and manage one's friends and associates.)

• The Mom: A powerful nurturing force, the Mom often functions as a peace keeper. He/she owns a candy thermometer as well as a rectal one and, like Dr. Izzy Stevens, often bakes out his/her frustrations.

• The Neat-Freak: This person is good to have around during the first semester because they ensure that their housemates will actually be able to see carpets, counters and table tops in common areas at least two days per week. However, it's best to choose a Neat-Freak who is planning on going abroad during the second semester, as they tend to develop serious anger issues by spring.

• The Slovenly Cracked-Out Hobo: This person doesn't even go to UPS. They typically just sleep all day on the couch or curled up in a corner under a newspaper. Their primary function in the house dynamic is to serve as a convenient explanation for any food and/or liquor that goes missing.

• The Joiner: The Joiner technically lives with you, but you will never see them. In fact, you will have completely forgotten their existence by the third week of classes. Often a music or theatre student, a joiner is usually a member of at least two musical ensembles in addition to SDS, BLP, APSU, BSU, SOUPS, VAVA, NORML, JSO, RDG, SHAC, BGLAD, SHOTS and ACM. It is not uncommon for Joiners to hold work-study jobs as well. Since they're never in their rooms, their housemates should feel free to watch their movies, eat their food and occasionally try on their clothes.

• The 4.0: A reclusive cousin of the joiner, 4.0's leave their rooms only for classes and meals, spend all of their free time studying, and go to bed promptly at 9:30. The 4.0 is most compatible with its own kind, since it tends to have great disdain for others. However, no more than three 4.0's should ever live in the same house. Their hyper-competitive natures will almost certainly cause violence.

Continued...

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