2008 Woodie Awards
Lights on with Larry
A fair and balanced perspective on sex and not having any
Larry Nogo
Issue date: 3/23/07 Section: Combat Zone
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What is sex? How can anyone ever know if/when it is "appropriate?" In this world, can one truly be certain that sex is ever wrong? For example, is it immoral or "sinful" to have sex with your girlfriend? What about your sister? What if they happen to be the same person? All tough questions, right? Wrong!
Contrary to the pornographic rhetoric of a certain Trail tramp (who, by the way, I hear isn't even a certified sex therapist (!), which makes her muff diving techniques speculative at best) sex is neither complicated nor ambiguous. In fact, it can be divided into two general categories: "good sex" and "bad sex."
"Good sex" is existential. It requires that there be a quadruple orgasm of the heart, mind, body and spirit … and no diseases/children as a result. After all, pregnancy is the worst STD you can get. That's why we at the Combat Zone advocate a revolutionary perspective on sex: abstinence.
Now ladies, I know you're probably thinking that abstinence is only for girls who want to save themselves for Jesus. The reality is, for countless guys, abstinence is a major turn on. Whether they're dismembered Jihadists in Paradise, or David Bowie fans, trust me: there is nothing sexier to a man than a woman who will not have sex with him. It's all about the chase isn't it? Hence the old saying: there's nothing like a restraining order to make the heart grow fonder. (Editors note: Larry collects restraining orders like baseball cards. He's still missing Hilary Rodham Clinton, and the ever, ever rare Janet Reno.)
But how does one keep from caving in to carnal temptation?
Well, the first step is to join a "non-denominational" super church with an acoustic guitar choir. They'll eventually kick you out for being a sexless freak incapable of having a meaningful relationship with someone (or at least that's what happened to me at my church in Utah.) However, while I was there, I was constantly reminded that sex is the most filthy, painful, satanic experience you will ever regret, which is why I promised to save it for someone I loved - or at least my future wife. I also attended fun-filled Christian sex speak-outs featuring puppets with names like "Speedy the Sperm" and "Horace the Abortion Hippo." (Handjobs from handpuppets isn't sex … is it?) On Wednesdays I heard testimonies from "reformed homosexuals" who used their faith in our scantily clad, muscularly toned messiah on the cross to find inspiration to turn the other cheek and ask for a second paddling. The point is that after talking about sex to the point of obsession, I came to associate the vagina with the "do not press" button on an office elevator. Seriously, why would anyone want to press that?
Contrary to the pornographic rhetoric of a certain Trail tramp (who, by the way, I hear isn't even a certified sex therapist (!), which makes her muff diving techniques speculative at best) sex is neither complicated nor ambiguous. In fact, it can be divided into two general categories: "good sex" and "bad sex."
"Good sex" is existential. It requires that there be a quadruple orgasm of the heart, mind, body and spirit … and no diseases/children as a result. After all, pregnancy is the worst STD you can get. That's why we at the Combat Zone advocate a revolutionary perspective on sex: abstinence.
Now ladies, I know you're probably thinking that abstinence is only for girls who want to save themselves for Jesus. The reality is, for countless guys, abstinence is a major turn on. Whether they're dismembered Jihadists in Paradise, or David Bowie fans, trust me: there is nothing sexier to a man than a woman who will not have sex with him. It's all about the chase isn't it? Hence the old saying: there's nothing like a restraining order to make the heart grow fonder. (Editors note: Larry collects restraining orders like baseball cards. He's still missing Hilary Rodham Clinton, and the ever, ever rare Janet Reno.)
But how does one keep from caving in to carnal temptation?
Well, the first step is to join a "non-denominational" super church with an acoustic guitar choir. They'll eventually kick you out for being a sexless freak incapable of having a meaningful relationship with someone (or at least that's what happened to me at my church in Utah.) However, while I was there, I was constantly reminded that sex is the most filthy, painful, satanic experience you will ever regret, which is why I promised to save it for someone I loved - or at least my future wife. I also attended fun-filled Christian sex speak-outs featuring puppets with names like "Speedy the Sperm" and "Horace the Abortion Hippo." (Handjobs from handpuppets isn't sex … is it?) On Wednesdays I heard testimonies from "reformed homosexuals" who used their faith in our scantily clad, muscularly toned messiah on the cross to find inspiration to turn the other cheek and ask for a second paddling. The point is that after talking about sex to the point of obsession, I came to associate the vagina with the "do not press" button on an office elevator. Seriously, why would anyone want to press that?
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