2008 Woodie Awards
Letter to the Editor
RE: Lights out with Liz
Allegra Oxborough
Issue date: 3/23/07 Section: Opinion
- Page 1 of 1
Dear Liz,
I admire your willingness to start a conversation about sex. My problem with the "Pleasing your [partner]" articles is not from a puritan standpoint, but with the way you framed oral sex; you have exemplified the way sex has been sold to our generation. Women learn that "there is nothing sexier than feeling desirable," reinforcing the idea that girls receive pleasure from the validation of men. That the "surest way to a man's heart" is through his penis. And that men can enjoy sex for physical reasons only. The emphasis is placed on the penis, the orgasm and the man's physical pleasure made possible through the female's vulnerability and desire to please. Your articles made it clear that if the male doesn't want to go down on his girl, that's because vaginas are gross and dirty. The male can "elect not to perform oral sex," whereas a girl should pretend to enjoy it and moan for her man, to "not act like going down is a chore…even if, to you, it is." And finally, that an that an incentive for giving your partner fellatio is to receive oral sex.
We are lacking the true beauty in sex: the sensual connection between two people who care about each other. Sex is not purely physical, but rather a unique mutual way of expressing feelings for someone you enjoy. Instead of securing men and women with the tools to express themselves, communicate well with one another and feel confident enough to the point where they can choose how to express their care for one another physically, we've secured them with a formula for producing orgasm. Sex should be sensual, about exploring the person you have feelings for, and exploring what feels good to both of you.
Just like it has been presented to us by the media, you have made sex cold. Our generation is taught through easily-accessed hardcore porn, mainstream movies and articles like these by Lights out with Liz that sex is an equation and, especially, that experienced guys and girls will expect certain things from their partners. These expectations create anxieties and the pressures instill the idea that a healthy sexual relationship can be taught in a textbook manner. Sex is not step-by-step, formulaic and cold. Both partners should feel comfortable enough with one another to ask what feels good, and voice anxieties they may have about anything. It is a partnership. There is altogether too much emphasis on how to produce an orgasm for one's partner, especially directed at girls. There is not enough emphasis on a mutual experience. Giving directions on how to give oral sex completely voids the act from any sensual or loving pleasure the couple should be deriving from it and removes any spontaneity from the act. Any act of sex should be sensual, fulfilling to both partners and uninhibited. This is not made possible by keeping in mind someone else's ideas on "how to please your partner," but through open communication in a positive, caring relationship.
Sincerely,
Allegra Oxborough
I admire your willingness to start a conversation about sex. My problem with the "Pleasing your [partner]" articles is not from a puritan standpoint, but with the way you framed oral sex; you have exemplified the way sex has been sold to our generation. Women learn that "there is nothing sexier than feeling desirable," reinforcing the idea that girls receive pleasure from the validation of men. That the "surest way to a man's heart" is through his penis. And that men can enjoy sex for physical reasons only. The emphasis is placed on the penis, the orgasm and the man's physical pleasure made possible through the female's vulnerability and desire to please. Your articles made it clear that if the male doesn't want to go down on his girl, that's because vaginas are gross and dirty. The male can "elect not to perform oral sex," whereas a girl should pretend to enjoy it and moan for her man, to "not act like going down is a chore…even if, to you, it is." And finally, that an that an incentive for giving your partner fellatio is to receive oral sex.
We are lacking the true beauty in sex: the sensual connection between two people who care about each other. Sex is not purely physical, but rather a unique mutual way of expressing feelings for someone you enjoy. Instead of securing men and women with the tools to express themselves, communicate well with one another and feel confident enough to the point where they can choose how to express their care for one another physically, we've secured them with a formula for producing orgasm. Sex should be sensual, about exploring the person you have feelings for, and exploring what feels good to both of you.
Just like it has been presented to us by the media, you have made sex cold. Our generation is taught through easily-accessed hardcore porn, mainstream movies and articles like these by Lights out with Liz that sex is an equation and, especially, that experienced guys and girls will expect certain things from their partners. These expectations create anxieties and the pressures instill the idea that a healthy sexual relationship can be taught in a textbook manner. Sex is not step-by-step, formulaic and cold. Both partners should feel comfortable enough with one another to ask what feels good, and voice anxieties they may have about anything. It is a partnership. There is altogether too much emphasis on how to produce an orgasm for one's partner, especially directed at girls. There is not enough emphasis on a mutual experience. Giving directions on how to give oral sex completely voids the act from any sensual or loving pleasure the couple should be deriving from it and removes any spontaneity from the act. Any act of sex should be sensual, fulfilling to both partners and uninhibited. This is not made possible by keeping in mind someone else's ideas on "how to please your partner," but through open communication in a positive, caring relationship.
Sincerely,
Allegra Oxborough
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