2008 Woodie Awards
Hart, Bonniwell disband ASUPS senate
Peter Braun
Issue date: 3/30/07 Section: Combat Zone
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Hart Edmonson and Matt Bonniwell were recently swept into office by the overwhelming mandate of the people (please note that "the people" is here defined as the 700 spoiled, rich, white people who bothered to vote for their own government). Their platform of connecting with alumni and building a greater on-campus community excited many people with its vague grandiosity. However, all is not well on the second floor of Wheelock. The legislative organ of student government, colloquially known as "Senate" has been causing problems.
Having recently tendered their first "no" vote in several years, Senate has demonstrated a stark distaste for the principals of democracy, liberty and silly clubs laid down in the ASUPS constitution. Furthermore, it is rumored that certain senators were involved in the leftist coup attempt of token minority students Chris Van Vechten and Walid Zafar.
The new administration has been quick to respond to this traitorous behavior. In a public statement coming from the prestigious café adjacent offices of the President, Hart Edmonson has called for the ASUPS Senate to be abolished, stating that senators have betrayed the literally several people who voted for them, and are misusing the money freely offered (forcibly extracted) from the student body.
Following the announcement, several senators were seen crying tears of joy at having been set free from their tedious and pointless responsibilities. The political science majors, however, barricaded themselves inside the Senate offices and had to be forced out at flashlight- point by Security Services.
Among the rebels were aforementioned Van Vechten and Zafar. The two were escorted to the basement of Jones for disciplinary action. Reports from an anonymous source within the registrars office state that they have been banished to state schools.
While it remains to be seen if the actions of this administration will live up to the visionary policies of previous administrations such as fake hatchets and mentally handicapped bear mascots, students are excited by these actions. When asked his opinion of Edmonson and Bonniwell's moves, junior Jeremy Thompson was confused.
"Isn't Ron Thom the president? Wait we have a student government, why the hell didn't anyone tell me," Thompson said.
Other students only continued to munch glassy-eyed on their SUB food when approached for comment. Hart and Bonniwell giggled maniacally while they rolled around on their office floors.
Having recently tendered their first "no" vote in several years, Senate has demonstrated a stark distaste for the principals of democracy, liberty and silly clubs laid down in the ASUPS constitution. Furthermore, it is rumored that certain senators were involved in the leftist coup attempt of token minority students Chris Van Vechten and Walid Zafar.
The new administration has been quick to respond to this traitorous behavior. In a public statement coming from the prestigious café adjacent offices of the President, Hart Edmonson has called for the ASUPS Senate to be abolished, stating that senators have betrayed the literally several people who voted for them, and are misusing the money freely offered (forcibly extracted) from the student body.
Following the announcement, several senators were seen crying tears of joy at having been set free from their tedious and pointless responsibilities. The political science majors, however, barricaded themselves inside the Senate offices and had to be forced out at flashlight- point by Security Services.
Among the rebels were aforementioned Van Vechten and Zafar. The two were escorted to the basement of Jones for disciplinary action. Reports from an anonymous source within the registrars office state that they have been banished to state schools.
While it remains to be seen if the actions of this administration will live up to the visionary policies of previous administrations such as fake hatchets and mentally handicapped bear mascots, students are excited by these actions. When asked his opinion of Edmonson and Bonniwell's moves, junior Jeremy Thompson was confused.
"Isn't Ron Thom the president? Wait we have a student government, why the hell didn't anyone tell me," Thompson said.
Other students only continued to munch glassy-eyed on their SUB food when approached for comment. Hart and Bonniwell giggled maniacally while they rolled around on their office floors.
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