The Trail

Issue date: 3/30/07 Section: Combat Zone

In a flurry of dissappointment and shattered hopes, President Ronald Thomas announced that he was retiring. This comes in the midst of many other staff and faculty members retiring from various departments, leaving the university widely short-handed. The president's departure leaves many to consider the theory of "rats fleeing a sinking ship."

In a surprise move and Trail exclusive Ronald Thomas announced his retirement as the Thirteenth President of the University.

Thomas, who has held the office since 2003, thought it only fitting that he should retire now.
"I came in with the class of 2007, now I get to leave with them," Thomas said.

Many have speculated about his decision, especially his plan to retire permanently, as opposed to moving on to a more lucrative position. The question on everyone's minds is, "Why?". Thomas' answers to these questions have been contradictory.

"I was inspired by the record numbers of UPS graduates in the Peace Corps, and decided to join myself," Thomas said.
When it was pointed out that he is not technically a UPS alumnus, but instead has received degrees from Occidental and Brandeis colleges, he responded by nominating himself to receive an honorary degree.

Another claim Thomas announced was to take his wife, Mary Thomas, a trained classicist, on a tour of Ancient Greece. Thomas ignored the fact that he could only go to a geographic location and not a moment in time.

"I'll use time-travel to go back. While I'm there I'll train to be a Spartan, like in 300," Thomas said.

Some have formulated their own theories about Thomas' permenant vacation.

Speculation has flown that Thomas' retirement has to do with the return of the Hatchet.

"It's obvious that he's taking the hit on this one," one conspiracy theorist said. "He loves the school so much that when the ransom demanded he leave office in return for the Hatchet, he complied."

With the announcement of his retirement, many have wondered who will replace Thomas. Dean Mike Segawa is a popular choice, as his meteoric rise to Dean of Students may project him further.

When asked for an interview, Segawa declined to comment.
Some hearty juniors and seniors believe that former Associate Dean of students Houston Dougharty may return from exile at Lewis and Clark where he currently serves as dean.

"This is an ideal career move," an anonymous source inside the adminsitration said. "There is no greater honor than to be the President of one's Alma Mater."

As his last act as president, Thomas appointed the Grizz Mascot as the interim president until a suitable successor is found.

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