The Trail

Issue date: 3/30/07 Section: Sports

Maybe the street is where Tony and his potty mouth belong.

Hey guys and gals, I hope you all had a good spring break. I'm trying to write this column as fast as I can. Pacman Jones and I are late to our "Make It Rain" party with the lovely Déjà Vu Showgirls.

Seriously now, let's talk March Madness. Or how about what was really March Blandness. Apparently, Cinderella forgot she was going to the dance. Unfortunately, there is no George Mason this year, no team for the whole country to jump on the bandwagon and root for as they make an improbable run. It makes the whole thing kind of lackluster. Sure, OT and double OT games are edge of your seat fun, but it's just not the same.

How awkward is it to be a Duke fan these days? Seriously, someone let me know.

Really though, March Madness is a beautiful thing. It's short, sweet, and quick to the point. There are no meaningless games. It crowns a true champion. Teams have to prove themselves worthy of a title by being able to win six games in a row. And no team can claim it was cheated of getting to play for the national title. In short, it is everything the BCS is not.

Congratulations to the UPS women's basketball team on your amazing run. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Anyone else think "Blades of Glory" starring Will Ferrell and Jon Heder will be the best sports movie of 2007?

There has been a lot of talk about the "Lights Out with Liz" column in The Trail these days. Lest we not forget who started the trend of controversial articles with the infamous piece on sports bras and half-naked drunk men at football games. So, since everyone likes sex education articles, I'm going to officially define "the bases." Not in the junior high way, but in the sophisticated, mature adultsway. You all argue about the difference between what is first base and what is second base, therefore, making it a controversy.

The Official Definition of "The Bases"

On Deck - You have plans for a date. Now you know why I can't even call this article "On Deck."

Strike Out - Rejection! Write a "Hey You" ad about her/him.

Walk - You got a kiss but nothing passionate. Beats a slap in the face.

First Base a.k.a Single - French kissing. The only good thing that has emerged from that sissy country.

Second base a.k.a Double - Kissing and some fondling action. Maybe some clothes came off. Maybe you struggle with that bra strap.

Continued...

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